When You Love


I’ve been thinking about love.

Every time I think I’ve figured out what it is, God dismantles my theory. I’m tired of living in theory and guesswork. I told God I wanted to know what love is and he always takes me seriously. (I guess I didn’t know what I was asking.)

My friend said that there is no love without the possibility of pain.

That’s the reason for the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil: mankind had to have the option not to choose God, otherwise their love would have been manipulated. Their choice is still causing pain.

This journey into love is painful. The journey is problematic, because I have always associated love with only pleasure. Romance. Affection. Good feelies.

And then I read John 15 and Jesus says, “You are best loving when you are dying.”

Huh? I thought that was Jesus’ special brand of love.

Now I’m trying to figure out how I’ve known about him so long and never connected that I’m supposed to love like he does. It’s like Valentine’s Day: I know the flowers and chocolates and cards of Valentine’s Day, but I have no clue who St. Valentine is.

What do you do when you find out your life’s foundation is made of Styrofoam and all this time you thought it was built of stone…

My Styrofoam has collapsed. I started choking on the little tufts that floated in the wreckage. It was really painful.

Time to start rebuilding, God says, like he pulled the supports out from under me, and I suppose he did. Then we start the painful labor of laying his stone foundation.

These days, apart from physically, everything in me feels like its dying.

I’m dying to myself, so others can find life. Usually there is no return. Usually my heart is missed, even by friends who have walked beside me for years. Usually there is push-back, and always opposition from Satan. Usually I’m exhausted and crying out to the Father for rescue. Usually I’m in pain. Sort of like Jesus, I guess.

I’ve been thinking about love.

I still don’t have it figured out, but I think I understand it better that I did before. I want to walk with the One who knew Perfect Love perfectly so that I understand it better tomorrow than I did today. I want love more than anything, even with its possibility of pain.

Because there’s also the promise that one day I will get all the Love without the pain.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s