Recently I was pitched into the story of a writer who confessed he felt like he was posing. He could talk about his book but had trouble sitting down and actually writing it.
I told him if he felt like he was posing, he probably was; that if he was trying to write any story but his own or write a story that’s already been written, he’s posing.
I’m writing my own story. I didn’t think I was posing.
Last week I couldn’t dress myself. Not without leaving my bedroom grumpily because There’s nothing to wear!
I was observing the fashion choices of some friends when I realized I spend a lot of time dressing to make it look like I don’t care. It’s like the inverse of fashion posing.
The realization was disconcerting. I’m not posing…am I?
My last post was one of my best, in my opinion. It had a cool photo and I learned some techy stuff that allowed me to post it with an excerpt and everything. It got more hits and comments and likes and shares. I even got a friend request.
I noticed how often I was logging in to check stats. How every click of approval made me want more. That annoyed me. Why am I trying to get validation here? And why am I changing things to get it?
I’ve always considered myself an honest blogger. I never use click-bait titles, or any title that cause the reader to feel cheated when they get to the end of the post. That’s deceptive.
But how is it any different to post a hooking excerpt with my blog if my heart behind it is “I want to draw you into my words so you congratulate me”? I want to write honestly about my heart and post a lot about my interaction with God’s heart. What does it say about my heart that after hearing from God my second thought is, “Ooh, this would make a good post!”
I want to be validated, and I’m willing to pose to get it.
The other day a friend told me, “Grace, for as genuine a person as you are, you have a really fake laugh.”
That couldn’t have come at a worse time as it confirmed all my suspicions of posing. Seriously?? Am I posing here, too?
It also couldn’t have come at a better time as it confirmed all the truer things of my heart. No. I’m not a fraud. I’ve found places in my heart that are hiding, that’s all. The deepest place in me desires to be genuine. I know what’s in my heart when I laugh, and I can’t control how people perceive that.
I’m responsible for my heart only before God. I know he is the source of life (which is why I kept coming to the frustrating conclusion, “Wait, you mean this is this all I get??”).
He knows the deepest place of my heart is to be genuine and to be known (which is why I draw from his life-source and conclude, “Wait, you mean I get all this??”).
I don’t want to write if he’s not its source. I want no part of relationships if the price Jesus paid is not enough to disarm the posers. It disarms me. His grace moves me from a place of posing to get validation to a place of resting again in his heart.
Which is why I will keep blogging, and why I post a funny comic and share this on Facebook, and why I laugh as loudly as I want.